I have been close companions for more than 20 years, a person who's faced and conquered several hardships, and I respect her for that. However, she's repeatedly blindsided by others. Her spouse ended their marriage, which came as a huge shock. Several of close acquaintances drifted away during that time, because they seemed focused solely on him. It shocked her deeply. She put in greater energy toward our bond, probably understood more clearly what friendship was.
A Recurring Theme With Friends Drifting Away
In the time since, quite a few in her circle vanished leaving her knowing the cause. The company she worked for turned on her, even though she had been an excellent employee, and she left not understanding why things shifted.
Current Dynamics
Lately, we have each retired and are seeing frequent meetups, but I am finding my role in the relationship is as the audience. I start subjects only for her to redirect them to things she cares about. Regarding political views, she has strong opinions. My effort is to propose double-checking information and different perspectives.
She's been organizing a vacation to a country I know well repeatedly even called home previously. My intention was to share personal experiences, however, my input unappreciated. She essentially only wanted me to confirm her choices. I've just returned from 30 days in that country she hopes to reconnect, yet I'm reluctant.
Evaluating the Situation
I don't want to be a friend that walks away without explanation, yet I doubt she will ever grasp the consequences of her behaviour on how I feel about myself. Right now, I find myself in avoidance mode. What's the best step?
Potential Solutions
One option is to walk away, yet this is seldom the peaceful resolution that we desire. Yet having a direct talk with the goal of a solution takes courage and willingness on both your parts.
Therapists recommend trying a useful conflict resolution tool:
"Step one requires explaining the usual pattern during your discussions. This needs to be as factual as possible and essentially what a recording device would replay. Step two is to tell her how it makes you feel. This allows for no disagreement on this point. Your feelings are your feelings, of course. Finally is to ask ways you together will alter the interaction in your relationship."
Consider your friend holds perspectives, so you need to be prepared to hear that. A helpful technique involves stating her:
"Please share your thoughts and I'm going to not say anything for 30 minutes."It's remarkably successful in fostering better communication.
Final Thoughts
She could ignore everything, since certain individuals have a self-protecting mindset: they have a version about themselves they're unable to let go of as it feels essential depends upon it being the only thing familiar to them. It's tough as there is no clear path here, just dead ends. Yet she could initially present this way then consider your perspective. And even if a resolution isn't found a fix, it will give you satisfaction that you've been truthful.
